Follow-up to the Human Can Opener

March 21, 2012

January 13, 2011 | modernhygienist.com

January 13, 2011 | modernhygienist.com

Hello!  You appeared on ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’ recently as part of her ‘Human Tricks’ segment. You opened aluminum can tops with your teeth.  Oh, wow; the sound; the visuals; the surplus of high-tech dental prostheses that await you.  Your oral entertainment was impressive as was your exuberance for decapitating aluminum cans at will. Ellen appeared humorously mortified, but I was excited for you!  Now that the television audience has witnessed your gift for oral can-top amputation, I propose three career advancements for you that are sure to be ultra-successful… and amusingly inspiring for the dental community.

1) Official Spokesperson for the National Institute of Oral Oddities

Not only would this opportunity be the first of its kind but the only one of its kind.  You would single-handedly procure an untapped resource for representing the field of study known as, “This guy’s a riot!  Umm… why does he do that now?”

2) Test subject for the new product, SillyGuard!: Enamel and Jaw Joint Protector for Silly Oral Practices

Since this revolutionary dental product is still in its infancy stage, mandatory and extensive testing is required to ensure its safety and efficacy.  Your availability for daily testing is crucial; researchers at the lab must continually stick things in your mouth.  You’ll be entitled to a one hour lunch break as well as two, ten minute sanity breaks.  No pain, no gain, right?

3) Live demonstrations of your talent at yearly Chicago Dental Society Midwinter Meetings

This is a huge opportunity for you.  Granted, it’s not a nationally televised event like The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but it would be a wonderful platform to showcase your aluminum can annihilation and oral awesomeness.  The next meeting is coming up this February!

Your future of perpetual dental work awaits you.  Make us proud!